Interesting patterns

So I read my past posts, I sound like a self-pitying little queen ^_^. It's kind of sad, but kind of cute in a way I suppose. cute in teh way that you can see a shift in perspective as I shifted from H.S. to college.

From reading the blogs I was able to deduce that I only write on my blog when I am in an extreme emotional state., or sometimes for rather silly reasons. There are reasons behind this, mainly the simple fact I have come to accept that I cannot discuss emotions with real people. Why? I couldn't honestly tell you why it is that I behave like this except that I am aware of how it hinders my social capabilities. Society would like to have us believe that men inhibit emotional expression. Though even the manliest of men, of which I am NOT one, has someone with whom they can entrust their emotions. It would seem then that this is not the case for me, and instead I have taken to imparting my pent up emotions on the vast and anonymous internet where only a few people who read them know who I am. I must apologize for this, seeing that the internet is filled to the rim with unnecessary information that I contribute to by pouring my petty insignificant problems into the mess.

So I would simply like to say that I apologize for being an emotional little queen and that I hope to have matured enough to at least provide in the future blogs of some reasonable intelligence and logical approach.

New Layout

Well it has been quite some time since I have made an entry on this blog. It is not necessarily that I forgot about that blog but more so that I felt my life was to busy to make an entry. This is of course a rather lousy excuse and I apologize for it. Anyways I have upgraded blogger and using the much more user friendly layout manipulator created a new layout for the blog. Sure there's not much of a difference, a few new side tabs, change in links. the background colour went from a dark grey to a solid white. The color change is mostly because while the grey was wonderful it made the page terribly dark and kind of dreary, so I gave it a much brighter hue instead. The colour change also required a new logo since the old one stood out terribly on the white background. It was a rather expedient banner but I feel that it came out exquisitely well. I am pleased with it. Anyways look forward to some new entries in the very near future.

on the fickleness of friends

So how about my friends are not really my friends, in fact for that matter I say they are more of strangers to me than anything else. I often times wonder why I am there, maybe I should ,as I have said before, leave since I obviously don't belong. Or perhaps it is just that I really am so antisocial my "friends" don't want anything to do to me, since I do not include them in my life and make them do all the work. So I visit them and feel so out of the loop that I once again feel I don't belong. Yet these acquaintances tell me that these feelings are not logically conclusive, as there is no reason to feel this way according to them. Or perhaps they tell me that it's because my life has set itself into a mold and I am bored with it and that I should do something to change it. As to the validity of this advice, well I find it to be quite farfetched and based more on this acquaintance's personal life and not at all looking at my situation. But I doubt that they could even comprehend my situation as I myself can barely understand it. So until I have time to think this through I will simply end this entry and expand upon this further at a later day, assuming my mood continues on this downwards spiral.

Being a passenger

I have realized that this summer, that impenetrable walls have their disadvantage, and that they end up hurting those whom truly care. On the other hand, such solid and unshakeable boundaries prevent further pain from occurring. This is not to say, however, that having impenetrable walsl makes one immune to injury, for those who do get close enough to the possible true form within the walls, sometimes without meaning to cause enough trauma to damage the soul within. This only cause further withdrawal and distance.

The alternative is someone who has emerged from a cocoon of hiding and shelter in hopes of proving that his theory that the world is only pain to be false and ludicrous. But in the process this fragile soul while willingly throwing himself into danger's way is conclusively injured, and he once again retreats into a cocoon of hiding. However, friends who knew the previous cocoon, praise, or comment on his newly open self, without realizing that what they say hurts. And in the process of a few weeks to months this new cocoon is sheltered not only against strangers, but also from friends. A front is put up to maintain the image of what is no considered normal and expected of this individual. While all at the same time, the true form resides within the shell, debating why he emeged from the cocoon in the first place, but realizing that unhappiness lay in the thick impenetrable fortress and that pain existed outside of it. No easy medium can be found between the two. For this new self would claim happiness, but is truly wounded, and questions those nearest to him for causing him the most discomfort. And not trusting those closest to him, he is willing to shut off the outside world once more, and simply watch without acting, letting life flow by in its subtle flow.

And perhaps the newest challenge is seeing a person enter his life, who could be of potential, and then instead of seizing it, letting them go into the water alone. For the last thing this soul wants to do is cause pain on others. So once again this soul takes its elave, and becomes a passenger, nly being able to subtly suggest direction to the drivers, and all along riding with the flow. For it is not time for him to reemerge into the world, for neither is it nor himself ready for such action.

Art used is copyrighted to B33lz3bub on Deviantart.

19 years of existence

19 years of existence and I must say I have very little to show for it. Not that I could have much to show for it, since youth is very rarely productive. Yet soon to be leaving the teens, and entering adulthood feels no diffrent. It's been a boring day I worked on my birthday, which wasn't enjoyable, There are also no gifts from anyone so it feels like an ordinary day in Charlotte.

I did get ton's of facebook wall messages and a few phone calls, including one from my dad. He doesn't sund to good, but he won't really tell em what's wrong with him apart from the fact that he is ill. I feel I should be worried about ts, but it really doesn't even bother me. If he is really ill then I can't say he has much to think of on me, I never really talk on the phone just sort of answer questions in as few words as possible. I noticed this before but it really hit me today, and I wanted to say more, but I couldn't think of anything to say. He started to pmake promises to me, but I didn't put any faith in them, my dad has always been one to have grand ideas but nver do anything about them.
This invokes both pity and worry. Pity for I wish I could do something to help him actually carry through with one of his promises. And Worry because will I be the same way when I get older? How about now? Do I come up with ideas and never act on them? it frustrates me.

So an uneventful empty celebration of another year gone, I want to say I don't care, but for some reason I feel shity today. Not really sure what there was to expect but whatever subconscious expectation there was for this day seems to have not been reached and instead a heavy feeling of worthlessness sets in.

Now I sound depressed hehe. this is not the case, just taken on an apathetic mood for the day, everything will get better in a few minutes usually. I'll probably find something to catch my attention. If not I'll just wait for tomorrow to come, with it's same routine. In truth part of me doesn't even care that my friends are coming from wilmington (a four hour drive) to get me and take me back for a few days. then part of me is ecstatic. I hate my mind, it's so damn dichotimous that it bothers me.

Hitting the Fan

Well it seems that this past week several things have gone wrong. Firstly my prescription insurance has decided that I am no longer covered so my medication went from $10 to $87. So I call the number on my insurance card. I get sent to someplace in India, and the lady figures out that the birthday on record is not the same as my birthday. Martin got the date confused with his dad's birthday so instead of June 5th, they had June 10th. The lady then proceeded to tell me she could do nothing about that information, gave me another number to call and then ended the call. So I call the second number, the guy who answered it then proceeded to forward me to a third number, where the lady said she noted the needed change but she could do nothing unless Martin called and authorized the change, because only the employee can change the information. So about an hour later I manage to get Martin and he says the number I gave him didn't work, so I gave him the other two numbers I called and he said he would change it the next day. So now I have to wait till about 2-3pm and call the pharmacy to reprocess my prescription.

On top of this our internet has been insanely slow the past few days. So today my mother was trying to setup an e-mail account for her resumes, and after 20 minutes of the site not loading I handed her the phone and told her, "I told you the internet doesn't work until about 2pm, then it slowly picks up after that" so she called time warner. After several minutes of discussion with the representative, fiddling with wires, unplugging and replugging cords. It was discoverer that the issue was the router and not the modem or ISP. So I go online and try to troubleshoot the router on the netgear website. To no avail. I then proceeded to get contact information only to discover that technical support calls were free only in the first 90 days of purchase. The router is at least 4 years old. After this grace period tech support is $32.50 per incident. Talk about crazy. So I called my mom and we both agreed we might as well put $50 in and get a new router, and have it work, than spend the $32.50 and have someone probably tell us in the end there is nothing they can do. So I have spent the past few hours shopping for routers online looking for the best models, with the highest reviews, that were reasonably priced.

Talk about everything going down at once. I am knocking on wood hoping nothing else goes wrong.

I'm home for the summer, 3 months before I will go back to Wilmington. I already miss the place, and mostly the people. To think that I will not see them until we all go back to school in August, and some I might not see ever again since they have transferred to other schools. My first day back and already I hate it. Hopefully things will get better over time as I get sued to being home again? probably not. I have realized that I really don't want to get a new job for the summer.

It kind of strange that one year has passed. It feels as though it has been a lifetime since I left for college. Being homes fl sso strange, less like home and more like I am a visitor in my own house. My room seems distant, sterile and empty to me, even though it is more cluttered than my dorm room was. Back to This I think as I look at my room, setup exactly as it was before I left. My optimistic mood for the summer has been deflated and now the summer looks like it might be lengthy and locked up. If it even resembles spring break I am not sure if I will make it through. Okay I am overexaggerating there, I might be slightly depressd, and it's only the first day. There is plenty of time to make it a blast, just have to reconnect with my friends in C-town so that I am not locked up in my house al the time.

Well hey you know what I can;t sit here and type away about how bad my summer is going to be. I am going to go and unpack now, first step, then I will call my friends and let them know that I am in town. After that I am not sure. but we wll see after I unload everything.

Wish me luck, and I hope you all are doing great ~_^.
Alex